


Zwischen Immer Und Nie

by Asahi_9L1314



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Most of the characters come later, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24581878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asahi_9L1314/pseuds/Asahi_9L1314
Summary: We all commit to love that makes you cryWe're all making love that kills you insideIt takes some time for them to learn and grow, maybe some more time to love.But they do love.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr (mention), Lewis Hamilton/Sebastian Vettel (mention)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 84





	1. Kill This Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi~! Finally, my first Daniel x Max.  
> I've been thinking about it for a while, and I promise it is a happy end. (repeat 3 times)  
> Hope you enjoy it! And I would love to know your thoughts~!

Sometimes, he even suspects he might have bipolar. 

Max admits he probably is one of the drivers on the grid that have the most obvious tempers, meaning he can be laughing so hard, throwing silly jokes around until he gets in the car but then, the next second, visibly grumpy and furious over someone’s or - most of the time - his own performances. 

Call him fiery or whatever, he doesn’t care. Just note that it does take a huge amount of aggressiveness and competitiveness to be a Red Bull. And plus, he is a Verstappen. So, deal with it.

But what really makes him start to question himself is the mood swings he experiences with and without his teammate by his side. 

Yeah. That guy. 

Did he say he is the cousin of honey badger or something?

Like, seriously. Max can feel his eyes rolling automatically even just think about it. 

But, yeah, Daniel Joseph Ricciardo. His teammate. 

Max throws himself backward frustratedly and lets his back hits the bed, with a thump on the mattress with his fists. Why do I even know his middle name?!

He is just a teammate for god sake. 

And, and, how dare he just hold my hand in front of the camera during filming? Ok, he did ask first. But like, how dare he even ask?!

Max absolutely hates it. He just hates it, every single thing about Daniel Ricciardo, his silly face-splitting grin, his loud rumbling laughter, his never-ending stupid jokes, his out-of-nowhere dancings and singings, his exaggerative gestures, his messy curly knots, his bad-boy tattoos, his sun-kissed honey skin……, NO! Fuck that, who said it is sun-kissed!

All in all, Daniel is his biggest of the biggest enemy on the track, the only one that race in the exact same machine with him, the one that he is constantly comparing with. Max needs to hate him. He should, right? 

_Every teammate is your rival._ His dad made sure he knew this fact since day one. 

Especially after what happened last weekend, in Baku. 

Max tightens his fists upon the memories from the last race. He can literally taste the fury on his lips. How can that supposed-to-be more successful, more experienced, more mature, and nicer teammate in the form of Daniel Ricciardo just crash into him?! 

Was he trying to take him out of the race? Was he making a statement to the team by fucking up both of their points? Or was it because, he hates him too?

…….Hate him so much he needed to crash him like that?

Max shuts his eyes forcefully and holds his breath, but still barely holds the pain from the stab at his heart. He slowly turns to the side and hugs his legs to his chest as tight as possible, not caring his cap is now squeed at a weird angle and his sneakers are bringing all the dirt to his hotel bed. 

He feels drowning, but there is no one he can hold on to besides himself.

And yes, he was and is still furious over the accident (or he should say accidentS) they had. Yes, he hates the rivalry. But what he hates more is the way that his emotion being so affected by Daniel all the fucking time, and the fact that he allows himself to be affected this fucking much. 

Just like, he did that silly moto racing pose because his body just likes to follow whatever Daniel does, he said he wanted to do Route 66 because Daniel said he wanted to road trip in the US, and he just held on to his hand for no reason as soon as he asked. 

This urge to copy him, to relate to him, to make him let out that rambling laughter with that face-splitting smile makes Max do all this and that silly stuff without thinking. He didn’t even know how and where to put his hands when Daniel was finally standing this close to him and talking to him. 

Cuz the fact is, they haven’t really spoken to each other since Baku. 

And it was not like this before. 

Sure, they could be bumping head to head and furious over each other from time to time, but there were always some subtle communications in place. Daniel would still hold the doors for him if he saw him coming after, or would still save the last few pieces of his favorite snacks for him even they were supposed to be in a fight. So when Max finally got his head around, he could always have ways to restore their normal teammate relationships. Sometimes it was just as easy as accepting the snacks with an awkward smile, then boom, they could be joking around again. 

But no, not this time. After Baku, Daniel just completely shut down. He just left right after team duties without even saying bye, he never talked to him again, never really looked directly at him again, didn’t even stay in the same space with him anymore. 

And don’t ask him how he knows, he just knows.

And Daniel knows Max is bad at the whole communication shit. So by shutting himself down, he knows Max will not be able to do anything about it. Just like by not leaving any bread crumbs along the road, he knows Max will not find the way back home. 

He decided to lost Max in the deep dark frost. He decided to shoot him out. 

And Max knows it.

That’s why he was almost over the moon when the filming started. They finally had the reason to talk again. 

And Max felt himself almost in an autopilot mode. His excitement was bubbling under his skin, just like he was high. He talked so much, joked so much, laughed so hard. Almost like another person took over his body. 

But the next second, when Daniel just walked away as soon as they were done with filming, no more laughter, no more eye-contacts, just like he was not there, Max’s heart immediately froze and dropped to the ground.

His emotion swing from the highest to the lowest just like that.

What’s wrong with him? What are these feelings all about? Am I really bipolar, or am I going crazy?

Max can’t help but let out a struggled noise. His head is pounding and his chest is in pain. He is breathing so fast but still feels like he will die if he didn’t get in the next breathe immediately. 

Everything hurts inside. 

He has to grab his arms so hard, nails breaking skins so that the stings outside can at least help ease the pain inside. 

But suddenly, a few knocks on his room just snap him out of his thoughts. 

“Strategy meeting, Max. See you in the office?” His trainer Jake is outside the door. 

Max almost forgets to breathe. He doesn’t want to let anyone knows what he is going through, so he swallows hard to push down all the emotions and shout to the door, “Yeah, I will be down in a minute.” 

Fucking hell. 

He gets up on the bed with a hand covering his face and gushes down the water in the bottle that he left on the nightstand. 

He is not ready to face Daniel right now. He can’t do this high-and-low all over again right now. 

He throws the empty bottle to the trash can with unnecessary force and a heavy sigh, then reluctantly heads out to the meeting place. 

And then, it turns out Daniel is in the elevator. Just, there.

Of course. 

That’s how the universe operates, right? Against your will in any possible way. 

The moment the elevator opens and reveals the person who is already inside, Max just wants to run away. 

Daniel is obviously startled too, but being the more composed one, he just takes a look at Max then immediately back to the phone in his hand. 

Max awkwardly steps inside, pushes the “Close” button a few times just to make sure it won’t stretch this awkward moment any longer. He wanna say something, but he also doesn’t want to say anything. 

Man, I am sick. He thinks to himself and has to start counting numbers in his head to keep his sane. 

“What is this, Max?” A warm hand suddenly wraps around his elbow. 

Max startles and turns to look at the source of the voice, and all he can see is a worried Daniel looking down at his arm. He follows his eyes —

There is some blood dropping down to the back of his hand from the skin he broke on his arm. Oh, fuck. 

“Er, er, oh wow didn’t notice, I, I might scratch a bit too hard, mosquito, you know.” 

Daniel just looks at him with a concerned face, doesn’t say anything, but also doesn’t let go of his arm. 

As soon as they arrive at the ground floor, he pulls him out of the elevator and drags him to their hospitality as fast as possible without saying a word. 

And all Max can do is to focus on the warmth on his skin under Daniel’s palm. 

When they are in the Red Bull building, Daniel pops his head in Horner’s office, “Give me 10 minutes, please? I will be at the meeting really soon.” 

And with a nod from their boss, Daniel just pushes Max into his driver’s room and shuts the door behind. 

The air is still thick. Max sits on Daniel’s sofa awkwardly while watching the older driver shuffling around to find the first aid box. 

“It is on the top of the shelf……” Max quietly says. 

Daniel tiptoes, “Bwoah, Jeez, I am blind.” He grabs the box from the shelf and walks to sit next to Max.

He pulls Max’s arm to his side, not in the most gentle way but does keep it as softly as possible when cleaning up the dried blood and applying rubbing alcohol on the broken skin. 

None of them speak a word. 

Max just sits there looking at Daniel’s concentrating face, doesn’t even notice the stings anymore. But his heartbeat does pick up again, especially when Daniel blows on his wounds so softly to ease the pain. 

“You know, you are a really bad liar.” Daniel finally breaks the silence, eyes still fixed on the bandage he is putting onto Max’s forearm. 

“You can be angry with me, even hate me, but just make sure you are still talking to someone when you stress out, ok? “ Daniel loses his hold on Max’s arm and leaves the sofa to put the first aid back to the shelf, back facing his young teammate. 

Max bits on his lower lip. Why Daniel can always look through him, just, why?

“I know Jake is pretty good, you should talk to him. And, Michael is really professional in handling stress too, if you want to talk to him. Or even Horner, you know. He handled Seb before, he is a pro.” 

But what about you? What if I only want to talk to you? 

Of course, he will not say it out loud. Never. 

Before he can even make a response, Daniel already opens the door, “Alright, I will see you in the meeting”, and heads out.

Daniel is done with him. He figures.

The fact is, he has made up his decision. 

Daniel clearly knows his position in the drivers market. He is top three on the grid after all, of course, other teams are constantly contacting him for a future contract. 

He just never pay much attention to it until this time. 

He will be honest, he can not stay with Max in the same team anymore. He just can’t. 

It is not because he hates him or envies him or whatever that whole rivalry thing goes. Quite the opposite, he likes him. Really likes him. Too much, to an extent that it sometimes scares him.

……ok, fine. He, loves him. He is an adult, he can face his own feelings. 

Yes, he loves Max Verstappen. His young teammate. 

He doesn’t even know when this whole thing started. Maybe it was when the kid got his first win but shyly gifted his champagne to him claiming he was still not completely old enough to drink. Maybe it was when he suffered from so much stress due to three consecutive race retirements and was only able to fall asleep when Daniel stayed with him overnight. Or maybe, it was just when he started to be silly with him and played around with him. 

It doesn't matter. All these just enhance the fact that he needs to leave the team, leave Max.

Because Max is not happy. 

He didn’t know why at the beginning, but he was not stupid and soon realized he might actually be the trigger. His existence bothers Max. And this shows in the races and the results. 

And let’s be honest, relationships really don’t work out between teammates, especially in F1, at least in Red Bull. The logo is two bulls facing head to head, remember? 

The competition within the team is real, it is just part of who they are as F1 drivers, as athletes. And it will just get too complicated for both of them if he mixes personal feelings in it. 

More importantly, he just can’t handle the fact that the person he loves so much hates him so much. He can not handle it anymore. He just can’t. He hates to know that he is the cause of Max’s unhappiness and emotional fluctuations. 

Maybe he is toxic to Max.

Hence, there is already so many other stuff stressing him out, turning 30, the team he devoted so many years to is not backing him anymore, standing at the crossroad of his career not knowing what to do next for his life. 

He really just wants some peace and quietness. 

So yeah, after Baku, he made up his mind. He needs to leave and find a new start. 

And that’s why he shuts down. He needs to learn to get used to not having Max around, learn to not pay attention to every single thing Max’s does, and learn to not care every single emotion Max’s going through. 

But things are just never going to be easy, right? 

They are now in Monaco, and the heavy trophy in Daniel’s hands just manages to make his life much better and much worse at the same time. 

It is redemption for sure, even a lifesaver if you ask him. It really gives the confidence he needs to tell himself and the world that he still matters and he still can challenge the championship title. 

But when he comes down from the highs, the realization of leaving this team at the end of this season hits him real hard. Of course, nothing is settled yet. But he knows the ending, and that really makes him uneasy. 

After the swimming pool celebration, he changes out of his soaked uniform and walks to the back of the venue with a drink in hand, hoping to find a quiet place to calm his fuzzy head. It is after sunset, and the dim light hides him from everyone else. 

But as soon as he approaches the bench at the end of the garden, he catches a familiar silhouette. He thought Max has gone home, considering he had such a bad race today. 

But no, his teammate is still here, sitting at the darkest spot alone. Daniel watches him from the back, suddenly feels so overwhelming. 

How can he leave Max? How can he say goodbye to him when the moment arrives? 

He walks over to the bench almost instinctively and just takes the seat next to Max without even asking. 

Max gives him a look then turns back to the ocean view in front of them. 

“I thought you left?” Daniel takes another swig of alcohol from his bottle. 

“I thought we were not talking?” Max takes a drink too.

Daniel just starts to laugh at that. Right, he was the one who decides to end this thing, whatever you call it. Good catch.

He just laughs, but then tears start to come out. 

How can he feel so sad when he won the Monaco GP? He is fucked up. 

He can tell Max is looking at him right now, probably thinks he is being weird. 

“Jeez, it looks like getting old really makes you an emotional person. Where does all these liquid come from? This is crazy.” He tries his best to come up with a joke to make the whole situation casual but just fails miserably.

“Then tell me, what can I do to make my old man happy again?” 

Max’s voice is so light and quiet. But “my old man”? God, this is all it takes to break Daniel into pieces. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Maybe he is drunk, or just out of his mind. But he just wants to let out what is in his mind all this time. He doesn’t want to care about anything anymore for this moment. Just this moment. 

And when he hears the other person replies, “Kiss me”, he finally reaches out to hold Max in his palms. 

He knows they are both drunk, he knows nothing will last, and that Max is probably just being nice and friendly, but……

“Kiss me.” Max sighs against his lips. 

And that’s all it takes to push Daniel to close the last inch.

He will forever remember the softness of Max’s lips when they are pushed against his, and the sweetness when they nip against each other. He closes his eyes letting the tears drop on both of their faces. And when the tears stream down to their lips, he tastes the bitterness as well.

And, they never talk about it again. 

During summer break, before all the departure news come out, Max gets a call from Daniel. 

Daniel Joseph Ricciardo.

He saves his full name on his phone, just so it will remind him of the distance he needs to keep from his teammate. 

He is just a teammate. 

“Max, I am out.” 

He can hear a deep sigh from the other side. 

And then, everything else is just white noise.


	2. Someone You Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _  
> I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain  
>  I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape  
> I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved  
> _

The first day Daniel arrives in Enstone, it just stops raining around breakfast time. 

Oh well, UK. 

Everything just feels cold and different. Everything looks gray. 

He blows a puff of air onto the window on his side, the breath immediately fogs the glass. That cold. He then instinctively draws a round face and two dot eyes, but somehow can’t find the energy to finish the big smile, so just puts his hand back down, letting the dot eyes turn back to drops and slowly run down the face.

He turns to check on the person by his side. Michael is sitting next to him deep in sleep due to jet lag. The only person he has now.

Daniel supposes he should be having jet lag too, but he stays wide awake, finds it hard to fall asleep. 

Maybe he is nervous after all. Not that he still cares the whole thing about giving up a potentially winning car, moving from a top team to the midfield, or backing off from a dogfight. Not at all. 

As he said to the media before, he didn’t just make his choice overnight, so he will deal with whatever comes with it, especially when the choice itself is also part of the deal-with-it for another issue. 

But just, you know, it is always a bit nerve-racking when you change team after such a long time while your whole career is put in the line. New crew, new car, new culture, and……, new teammate. 

Yeah. 

But Nico is a great guy. He comforts himself. He and Nico are from the same generation, and Nico is fun to be around, he probably just needs to throw in some Nah Yeah and Loosey-Goosey and they will be good to go. 

Lonely is not a word that exists in Daniel Ricciardo’s dictionary. It just doesn’t. Not allowed. 

He needs to be the happy guy in Formula 1.

Nico comes in 2 days later than Daniel, just to give the new teammate some time to finish onboarding and some catch-ups on the car. 

When Nico gets in the conference room for the drivers meeting on the 3rd day, without saying a word, he immediately fixes his intense eyes on Daniel and walks straight to him.

……Okay? 

Daniel swallows a bit, suddenly not very sure how to react considered it is a little bit different from what he imagined. He awkwardly stands up, feels nervous and uncertain all over again.

Nico just keeps walking and only stops when he is absolutely invading Daniel’s personal space, icy blue eyes staring at him. And before Daniel can try to flash out a grin, he slowly whispers, “I know you have a thing for Dutch accent, but just don’t fall in love with me. You hear me?” 

Daniel is just, in awe. 

He stares back at the German with wide eyes, but the German is just emotionless. 

What, what did he say? Daniel frowns. 

No, it should be more about - what did he mean?!

Daniel’s brain was literally shut down for a few seconds, then starts to run 200km/h in panic mode trying to decipher the meaning behind Nico’s statement. 

But suddenly, before Daniel can even make a sound, Nico starts to laugh, so hard that he almost double over to the floor. 

Daniel’s frown deepens.

“Did you see his face? Did you see it?” Nico tries his best to shout out the sentence between his laughter. 

……Did Nico just put a prank on him?!

“Did I miss something important?” A strong French accent joins the room.

Cyril stands outside the conference looking at the one on the floor and the one freezes in the back, suddenly feels worried about their team’s future.

“Jeez, you are the worst.” Daniel covers his eyes with his hands, hiding his real worries behind a casual tone, “I literally thought I will be having no sun, no jokes, and no friends in this team for a sec.” 

Nico smiles and pats on Daniel’s shoulder as apologies, “We indeed do not have guarantees on the sun. But others, you can keep your hopes up.”

“So I guess no more ice-breaking needed considering you almost broke my new driver?” Cyril looks at Nico pointedly. 

Nico gathers all the documents on the table and suggests, “Then, should we just go straight to the main topic? The one where we extract his brain out and study everything about Red Bull and Max Verstappen before he forgets?” 

Daniel laughs a bit along with the joke while following the group to the engineering garage.

Will he ever be able to forget Red Bull and Max? He has been asking himself this question throughout the winter break. 

The thing is, he has been a Red Bull for almost his whole 20s, so like it or not, it has shaped him one way or another.

And the three years with Max……, Daniel unconsciously lets out a sigh, the young Dutch has managed to engrave his name under his skin. Just like the meanings behind a lot of his tattoos, they take shape on the surface, but root deep in his heart. 

You will never forget love, he supposes, and the only thing you can do is to make peace with it. Learn to keep distance sometimes can be a way to love too, right?

Nico slows down a bit to join Daniel at the back of the group, “You are a little quieter than I thought.” 

“Just adapting to the sophisticated French style I guess.” Daniel manages to pull back from his thought and reply.

“Well, on that”, Nico smirks at him, “I do think you actually prefer the fiery Dutch type.”

Man, this guy really has the ability to keep you on the toes. He knows too much.

“Have I told you I hate you?” Daniel grins.

And Nico just laughs with understandings, “Better keep it that way.”

Then, the season starts.

So far the season has not been the best for Daniel. Two retirements in three races. And the Australian one was just a stab in his heart. 

It was stressful, and there were a lot of things that were out of his hands. But one thing he learned to, or he should say, realized to appreciate more during these races is watching Max performing in the lead pack and getting on the podium he deserved from afar. 

Of course, he has always known that Max is a true talent, a champion in-made, the rising star of Red Bull, but the team atmosphere back then had always made things a bit complicated. 

He was not the most perfect person for sure, and Max could be immature sometimes, add on the fact that your teammate performing well automatically equals to you performing badly, all these had made them unconsciously edgier towards each other. He would say it was a mixed bag of emotions sometimes.

But now, with him stepping out, Daniel is able to see and feel things clearer and in a more pure way. He starts to understand what Sebastian really means when he said he sometimes weirdly felt even prouder to see Lewis win the titles than himself win. 

It is not weird to feel that way, Daniel thinks to himself, it might just be how love works.

So when Max got on the podium in Albert Park, Daniel actually felt really proud of his ex-teammate. His heart was pounding fast with excitement when Max lifted up the trophy, despite the fact that he himself had a really bad race, and the fact that he had to deal with the pressure of letting the whole country down.

And when Max surprisingly caught eyes with him on the podium, he made sure he put on that “Stupid smile” Max claimed he hated so much and waved before he had to get back to deal with all the tiring stuff in his garage. 

Sometimes, he does miss the young Dutch’s husky voice, and his clumsy attempts to make him feel better after a frustrating retirement. And sometimes, just sometimes, he does feel his heart ache a little when he acknowledges the fact that Max performs better and more consistently without him. 

But, it’s ok. 

He still needs to learn to face the emptiness that fills in the air every time he gets back to his hotel room. No more Max curling up in his bed deep in sleep after a tough race.

But it’s ok.

And time just goes by in a blur. Now, they are 4 races into the season. 

Daniel opens the curtain as soon as he gets into the hotel. From his room, he can see the Baku circuit grandstand. The circuit that he had so many massive highs and lows.

He won the race here two years ago, but he also had that controversial big crash with Max that basically melt down the relationship between them. He lost the game, and he also lost Max. All sorts of emotions just mix up in his head, especially after his disappointing qualifying. 

He ponders around in the room, switches music playlists on his phone, flips through sports channels on TV, just trying to shoot out all the noises in his mind - he really doesn’t want another sleepless night - but nothing seems working. 

Maybe a night run will help clear his head? He quickly changes up and heads out to the hallway.

And that’s how they meet up again. 

The elevator arrives from the higher level, the door opens, and Daniel immediately recognizes the person inside whose eyes are glued to his phone.

……Great.

Max is so focused on typing something on the screen that he almost doesn’t realize the elevator comes to a stop. And when he finally looks up and sees who is outside, his eyes just go so wide, almost like he get caught on something. Then his phone just slips out of his hands, does a few flips in the air, and lands facedown in front of Daniel, literally like how things happen in TV dramas. 

Daniel is the first to react. He picks up the phone and hands it back to Max. 

His fingers might quickly brush against Max’s, but he tries not to think about it. 

“Be careful, Maxy. I almost thought you wanna hit me in the face with that.” He tries to pull out a casual conversation to break the ice, but the awkwardness is still thick in the air.

“Haha, it actually could be a good way to take you out of the race,” Max replies dryly. 

He can tell Max is feeling awkward too judging from how hard he is grabbing his phone and the way he unconsciously starts to pick on his fingernails. 

He can still pick up every little thing about Max. Daniel smiles to himself weakly. He is such a loser. 

Then they arrive at the lobby without another word, and Max just walks out as fast as he can, not even spares him a glance. 

Daniel watches Max walking away until he disappears into the hallway, heart feeling empty and numb. He is suddenly not sure how to feel about this whole weekend or this whole season anymore. 

Did he make the right choice? 

He really doesn’t know now. 

But is there really a right or wrong choice? 

Probably no one knows.

He pulls out his phone from his running shorts while walking towards the track. To his surprise, there is a new unread message in his notification.

From Max.

_Drive fa_

That’s all he got in his inbox. An obviously unfinished text, but it is not hard to put two and two together. Max must accidentally hit the send button when he saw him in the elevator. 

And Daniel actually knows what he was trying to send. He remembers it by heart.

_Drive fast, and see you on the podium._

It was a line he started to say to Max when the younger driver first promoted to Red Bull, a line they use a lot in races throughout the years. And it was also the last sentence they exchanged before their big crash in Baku. 

Daniel stares at the text, takes in a deep breath.

Max still manages to keep his attempts to comfort as indirect and clumsy as humanly possible. 

He puts his phone back, the bittersweet feeling from Monaco is back in his heart again.

But at least, all the noise in his head finally starts to fade away.

Don’t get him wrong. 

Max likes Pierre. His new teammate. 

They have known each other for a few years, and they get along well since they are at a similar age. They don’t have conflicts on and off the track so far, which definitely is good news to Horner. 

Everything seems fine, everything is working out. His races are promising, not the best, but definitely more reliable. The team is putting even more confidence in him now. He gets pushed to the front in all the events and conferences as the absolutely first seat. And he is happy with his performances, with the team. Really, nothing to complain. 

But, everything feels different now.

Not better or worse. Just different.

Yeah, different from the past when Daniel was here.

No more random comic sounds from the driver’s room next to his, no more water shower during conferences, no more Aussie silly jokes, no more stupid big smiles. 

All the things he claimed he hated so much, disappear, just like Thanos snaps his finger. Gone. And his exhausting mood swings too, just gone. He thinks he is happy about the changes. He is, right? 

Well, maybe once a while, when he gets in the car before a race, he still sees Daniel in the car next to his, wearing the same suit and the same logo, putting his hand up to make the bull gesture to Max before he closes his visor and flats out. 

But, it’s ok. 

His chest still hurts every time his engineer mentioned Daniel’s name during races. They still call him Daniel.

But it’s ok. 

At least that’s what he thought at the beginning. 

But gradually, he realizes, all these Daniel things didn’t go away, they just change the way they exist. They live inside you. 

It starts to hit him when Pierre looks at him wide eyes and laugh, causing another NG during their filming.

“Why laughing? What is it this time?” Max has no clue. He was just saying the opening, not even trying to be funny.

“Mate, have you heard yourself? Why did you start singing out of nowhere?” Not only Pierre but also the staff are laughing now. Great, at least this clip will make it to the final cut then.

But, did he sing? He hates singing. 

Then it just starts from there. 

He sometimes catches himself talking a lot in Red Bull videos, because Pierre is still a bit withdraw, catches himself spending a lot of time with the crew and a lot of energy to hype the team up, because everyone needs a lift-up before a tough fight. He even caught himself doing that exaggerative bull gesture to Horner before he went out for his qualifying last weekend. 

He doesn’t like non-sense jokes and rambles. He doesn’t like distractions before the race.

But here and there, consciously and unconsciously, he starts to do things he wouldn’t do before. He starts to do things just like Daniel would do.

The media says he is less erratic, more mature, he is becoming the leader of the team.

Maybe he is, maybe he is not. Or maybe, what truly changes is that he learns to keep things inside. 

When every day he wakes up and realizes Daniel is not here anymore to crack jokes to make him laugh, to fight him when he is too into his head, to comfort him when he stresses out, he starts to bottle up, starts to build the wall around his true self.

He also starts to play a lot of Call of Duty late at night, a lot, when he is too stressed to fall asleep. 

“I am sorry to break this news to you, mate, but I think you miss him.” The McLaren new driver yarns on the other side of the microphone before making his comments casually.

Well, yeah, the side effect of playing too many video games is that he has no choice but to become bestie with Lando The Little Brat.

Max wanna say “You are not even 20, you don’t know shit!”, he also wanna say “Shut up he hates me, why will I miss him?”, or just simply “why am I even talking to you”. 

Like, are you fucking kidding me? Max Verstappen misses Daniel Ricciardo?!

But instead, he decides to just make some quick moves in the game and then shoot Lando’s character in the face. Fast and furious. 

“Nooooooo, this is bull crap! How can you……” 

Then he comes back to the game, and Max immediately shoots him to death again. 

“Have I told you I hate you?”

But Max switches off the chat.

“……and that, you are a blind idiot?” Lando finishes his sentence to deaf ears. 

Then his character gets shot in the back this time. Lando loses the game.

And Max loses another night of sleep.

It’s been a few days since his late-night conversation with Lando. 

Max was hoping once he arrived in Azerbaijan, the intensity of the race weekend will just make all the non-sense go away. But no, the unexpected word from Lando just plates itself in Max and grabs onto his heart tighter and tighter every day. 

Did he miss Daniel? Does he miss Daniel? Is he missing Daniel?

He realized he doesn’t know the answer. And that was why he cut the chat that night. He is scared of the realization. 

Daniel is not even leaving the sport. He just moves to the garage next door, for god sake. 

Max takes off his cap and runs a hand in his hair, very annoyed by all the emotions that he doesn’t understand. These are nothing like what his dad had told him about teammates. 

He still spots that annoying exaggerative yellow suit and that annoying exaggerative smile everywhere he goes. Why does he need to miss him?

Even just at this very moment, his eyes catch Daniel walking pass the Red Bull garage with his helmet in hand, looking rather frustrated. He instinctively checks the ranking in the screen and figures Daniel only got P12 in qualifying. 

And when he comes back to his sense, he is already outside on the pit lane looking at the Renault direction. What is he even trying to do?!

Then he sees Daniel get back to his garage, and Nico walks out, put an arm around his back and pat him on the small of his back gently. The same yellow suit is so bright that it almost hurts Max’s eyes.

He pauses there. A mixed feeling of pain and anger and annoyance just shoots up from his stomach, almost threatens to burst out. 

That’s it.

He can’t do this shit anymore. He just can’t. That’s it.

He feels like he doesn't understand himself anymore.

He throws his cap to the ground and storms out of the paddock.

Everything feels like back to last year again. He slaps closed his hotel room, leans onto the door and let himself slide down to the ground. 

He is so annoyed and confused. He is exhausted. He doesn’t want to be mature anymore, doesn’t want to be in the front and pretend he can handle everything anymore. 

Because he can’t. 

Maybe Lando is right. He misses Daniel.

He misses the days where he can be erratic he can be immature he can be sensitive and vulnerable, he can show more of himself, cuz he knew no matter what Daniel would be right there to get him, to stay with him. 

And now, he has everything but Daniel. 

He hugs his legs and curls himself into a ball. 

He doesn't know where they started to go wrong, where things started to get too hard to understand and untangle. He doesn’t know how to deal with them anymore. 

And, is there really a “them” left to deal with? Probably not, Daniel is so done with him. 

Yeah, he now has that mature, calm, reliable, independent, tall and handsome Nico Hulkenberg, why will he even think about his immature pain-in-the-ass ex-teammate.

But then he thinks of the genuine smile Daniel gave him in Australia during his podium.

Max hugs himself tighter. 

He hates complicated. He hates not knowing what to do. He hates the fact that he is still affected by Daniel so much, he still cares. 

And when he makes that stupid stupid stupid stupid text mistake later that night, he hates himself too.

Did Daniel call him, Maxy?

Fuck you, Daniel Ricciardo. Fuck you!

…… but I miss you. 

And now, they are all back in Monaco for the Monaco GP.

To be honest, Max just feels so sick of the whole party vibe in the Red Bull/Toro Rosso energy station. He got 4th again. What are these people here happy about?! 

He was so close to the podium but so far away now. He let the podium slips away from his hand. He is so mad at himself. 

And he couldn’t even get drunk properly, cuz every other minute, there will be some random people come to talk to him and ask for photos. All these sponsors, business partners, celebrities, he doesn’t even know them for fuck’s sake. But he has to nod and smile, again and again, because he is the Red Bull star, he has to be responsible and make everyone happy. 

But who is here to make him happy?

He thought about staying in the back of the venue just to avoid people, but no. He can’t go there. There holds the memories that he has never ever touched. 

The night of last Monaco.

He never brought up that memory after that night. Neither of them did. They both just pretended nothing happened. And there were times that he almost believed he had erased everything completely. But how wrong is he.

As soon as he steps in the hospitality, all the memories, the feelings, the touch just stand there in his face. Man, he is messed up inside out, since way way ago. 

Max downs his drink in one go, decides to call it the night and head out before his stupid self can do any stupid things.

But maybe, downing that last drink is already a stupid decision, and heading out right now is stupid too, because he literally runs into THE Daniel Ricciardo outside the entrance. 

“Oh, you are leaving already……?” The older driver has changed back to his usual clothes. 

He must be drunk, why he thinks Daniel sounds a bit disappointed?

He gives Daniel a look then just walks away. He can’t deal with Daniel right now, he is not sure what he will do.

He walks across the street to the alley that he knows is a short cut back home, but someone just grabs his wrist and stops him.

“Max you look tipsy, let me send you home.” 

The familiar anger and annoyance just rise in his chest again, he turns around and shakes off his hand forcefully, “Why the fuck do you care? Just leave me alone!”

Daniel frowns and looks at him, hurt, “Maxy……”

Fuck that “Maxy”.

Max suddenly grabs Daniel’s shirt collar and drags the older driver to him.

Fuck everything. 

He crushes his lips onto Daniel’s as hard as he can, almost like their bodies are pressed into one. The softness on Daniel’s lips feels exactly the same as last time. So he takes his button lip and bites down, let his tongue run over the blood before push into Daniel’s mouth and take in all the iron taste, just to make sure it is different from the one before, just to make sure it is as messed up as he is. 

Daniel feels the pain and moans into his mouth, hands loosely rest on the side of Max’s hip, just to hold onto him, but not sure where to go. 

And only when they both run out of breath, Max finally breaks the kiss and pushes away from Daniel.

“Just need to get it back to you.” He blurts out, a little bit breathless. 

Daniel looks at him in the eyes with an emotion that Max doesn’t understand. Then he starts to laugh, just laugh, but also sounds like crying. 

“Why you just have to make everything so hard for me?” He asks quietly, more like a statement than a question.

The alley is quiet, and all the noises from the venue across the street just fade away. Max can literally hear the heartbeats getting louder and louder, but can’t tell if it is his or Daniel’s anymore. 

_Because you make everything hard for me too._ Max wants to say that, but instead, he licks his lips, “Because I am Max Verstappen? Just won’t let anything go past me that easily.” 

The older driver lets out a deep sigh, just like he finally gives in in some internal war that Max will never know about. 

“Then can I walk you home now, Mr. Verstappen?” 

He hears the relief behind Daniel’s tone.

“Only if you call me Maxy again.” 

And he somehow feels a little bit relief too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one takes so much longer to write than I planned... But I tried lol  
> Guess it is always easier to break things than to fix things haha  
> Hope you enjoy it! And let me know your thoughts~~


	3. Eyes, Nose, Lips - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _  
> I'm prayin' that your eyes are the first to go  
>  The way they looked when you smiled, the way they opened and closed  
> Then your nose, every single breath against my neck  
> And then your lips, every empty promise made and said  
> _

It is really just a “walk you home” for the most part. 

They live in the same apartment complex, the same building to be exact, and both know the way, so it is not like one of them is leading and the other follows, but more like taking a stroll together in one of those random buzzed summer nights.

……which they never did before, even though they technically lived in the same place, and worked in the same team. 

True, most of the time Daniel isn’t actually in Monaco. He likes winter breaks in Perth and summer breaks in LA, rounds up the hot weather all year long. 

It is not that he doesn’t like Monaco, but there is always an indescribable urge pushing him to go somewhere else to, well, to stay away from Max when he can. 

Daniel takes in a deep breath, watching the younger driver walks slowly in the front, a long shadow casts down by the dim street lights.

Maybe deep down, he is scared. 

He is afraid that if he didn’t force some distance between them, he would get too deep into Max and won’t be able to take the hit eventually, cuz he knows Max is not thinking of him in the same way at all. Max is so young and still in the “F1 Champion or nothing” phase, probably takes him as a competitor more than anything else. 

And, Max had girlfriends. 

Call him a coward or whatever, Daniel just doesn’t want to be a heartbroken 30-year-old and a burden to the youngster. He needs to prepare for the brace in this free fall. Who knows when he will hit the ground.

But then, this kiss?

Daniel unconsciously licks over his bottom lip, the wound Max just left on him. The bloody taste and the pain make everything so vivid, it still stings him, just like the Dutch himself.

Another Monaco ocean breeze comes from the back, runs through his hair and the thin linen shirt with that slight moist touch, and takes up all the space left between them. Daniel pushes the curls back off his face, focuses back on the man in front of him. 

Maybe at the end of the day, he doesn’t really understand Max. 

He thought he did - he is much older, and Max basically grew up next to him, he should know him inside out. But nonetheless, Max still manages to surprise him here and there. 

Has he actually been tunnel vision and missing out things? Daniel looks at the person he has been so familiar with, but also suddenly feels so new and unfamiliar with, doesn’t know what to expect anymore. 

And also, did he just use “tunnel vision” to describe his personal life? 

Daniel sighs and laughs to himself helplessly.

Jeepers, F1 really is eating him up alive. 

“I thought I was supposed to be the drunk one?” Max turns to him, seems not very happy about Daniel being entertained by his own thoughts. 

Daniel looks at him in the eyes, then takes two steps in one to catch up with him just like the ocean wind. He decides at that moment, he should just let go of all the thinkings and over-thinkings. It is just a waste of this beautiful summer night.

“I know, you already proved that with this big ass bruise on my lips.” He on-purposely makes a gesture to point at his slightly swollen lips with an amused tone.

Just go with the flow, and see where it leads to.

Max clears his throat awkwardly, “You asked for it”, he blunts out and just turns back to resume the walk. 

And it only takes 2 more minutes for them to reach their building’s front gate. Daniel stops at the bottom of the stairs, “Alright, safe and sound”, while Max is taking out his key fob, “I guess...I should head back now.”

Max presses his lips together, seems a bit hesitant before responses, “You said you would send me home. I am not home yet,” and then he just beeps open the door and holds it wide while looking at the older driver, like an unspoken invite. 

……OK.

Daniel nods and climbs up the stairs. Go with the flow, yeah?

It takes no time to get an elevator. Half of the apartment probably is out in some F1 related parties. They get in an empty one, and Max clears access to his floor with his key. Then they are back to silence again. But it feels different from the last few times. Neither of them is as tense as before, partially thanks to the alcohol in Max’s system. 

Daniel leans on the wall opposite Max, traces a finger along his lips to exam the bite, and hisses on the pain, “Next time when you hit on a girl, just don’t eat her face like this, yeah? It really hurts.” 

Max just keeps his eyes on the floor, his left hand picks on the bracelets around his right wrist repeatedly, avoiding eye-contacts.

“……I don’t hit on anyone like that,” he mutters, ears are suspiciously red, which Daniel is not quite sure if it is from his buzz or the delayed embarrassment. And before he can actually understand what Max means, they arrive.

“Um…, do you wanna stay?” Max unlocks the door and turns to Daniel, says the question in a rather fast way while quickly glances up at the older before averting his gaze away, “I mean, just for a drink or two as a, a thank you?” 

This comes off as a total surprise. Daniel looks at him, pondering his answer. But Max immediately looks like he wants to punch himself in the face and take back everything he has said, “Ofcourseifyouwanttoleaveyoucanmaybeyoushouldgonow.” He throws the sentence at Daniel in one go and just pushes open the door, doesn’t care if it will slam back on the older’s face.

“Woo woo woo woo!” Daniel holds the door before it closes up itself, “Not my face again.” 

He follows into the apartment. It is a bigger unit than his, but the structure is similar. And beside some new decor items and diffusers, it basically stays the same as the last time he was here a year ago. Well, maybe more trophies on the display wall now, but Daniel is not gonna comment on that. 

“Do you want beer or…….um, juice?” Max stands in front of his open fridge, sounds a bit embarrassed. It is not completely his fault that he just realized he only has beer at home, OK?!

Daniel stands behind Max and looks inside over Max’s shoulder, “It seems like not only your kiss is teenager kiss, but your fridge is a teenager fridge too.”

“Fuck you, of course I know adult kiss!” Max grabs 2 cans of beer and turns grumpily, but has to immediately still himself. He doesn’t realize Daniel is standing this close to him. 

Daniel startles a little bit but doesn’t take a step back. It has been a long time since he is actually able to look at the younger one this up close. He lets his gaze slowly scan over his face and take in all the features he has been missing. His blue eyes that will look green-ish under a dim light, his straight nose, his plump bottom lip, and the tiny mole on his upper one. 

“How?” 

Daniel raises an eyebrow, can’t help but want to see how much more he can rile Max up. 

Max’s eyes linger on Daniel’s lips upon the question but quickly goes up to lock eyes with him. 

He can tell Max is biting on the inside of his lips - a sign of nervous - probably debating how he should reply the older since the question somehow comes out more like an actionable challenge than a question. 

Daniel licks his lips. He is hyperaware how close they are standing in front of each other, how he can almost smell the familiar cologne Max is using, and……how they seem to be testing each other’s boundaries unspokenly - tho he is not very sure what kind of boundaries they are fiddling with at this moment, but he has that competitive feeling surging from his stomach. He knows they are both trying to see who will back off from this tension first. 

And merely just before either of them is going to break down and do something, a soft alarm comes off the fridge. Of course, the fridge just has to give out the overtime warning right at that very moment. 

Max jumps and breaks eye contact first. He let go of the upper door, “Just shut up and drink your beer.” He mutters, forces a can into Daniel’s hand. 

Daniel might be a bit disappointed but also feels relief at the same time. Oh, well. What was he even hoping for?

He walks over to the living room and quickly settles himself on the couch while Max goes to change out of his team clothes. Everything surprisingly feels the same even after such a long time, the couch the coffee table the TV stand. Daniel stretches a bit to find the most comfortable position, then turns on the TV. 

It kind of reminds him of the good old days. The ones where he would just have excitement and happiness bubbling in his stomach whenever Max was around, the urge to be silly just to make the young teammate laugh and relax, and the pure satisfaction of doing things he loves with the person he appreciate a lot, without really asking himself why. He could just give and give and give and be super happy about it. 

Max joins him in the living room in a pair of regular shorts and a wore-out oversize hoodie. Even though Max has been bulking up, the hoodie still manages to look big on him, making the younger driver small and soft.

It is an old hoodie from a local brand based in Perth, the surfing logo on the front is already fading. Daniel tries not to stare at the clothes as Max settles on the other side of the couch, but the memories of giving Max this very hoodie is just on auto-play in his head. 

It was somewhere in their second season, probably more towards the end. Max was sneezing between FPs, and Daniel took off his hoodie at the spot and forced Max to wear it. And, he never got the hoodie back.

He never mentioned it. They never mentioned it. Just like the kiss they shared, the stay-overs they shared, and all the other things they shared throughout the years, they never talk about it.

But why does Max have to ware it right here right now out of all the other clothes he has?

Daniel takes a swig from the can, tries not to overthink anything. 

“STILL?” He raises his voice when he realizes what is showing on the TV, “I do like soccer, but how can you still so into FIFA? It has been years.” 

Max shrugs, “Just had some matches with Carlos the other night and forgot to unplug it. The game is so different every year, you old man won't understand the fun”, throws the remote control at Daniel.

Daniel flips through the channels absentmindedly while drinking his beer, the coldness from the can gradually smooth down the stings on his lips. He settles with an action movie that he isn’t actually paying much attention to. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Max has shifted to sit cross-legs on the couch and leans his head on the back of the couch, face flushed from the drinks he had, looks completely relaxed and content. 

It has been a while for him to see this side of Max, and Daniel can literally feel his affections start to bubble up in his chest again with the alcohol in his system. 

He used to have this Max in an arm reach, why do they end up here? He asks himself.

He thinks of the ups and downs they have at Red Bull, the crashes and anger, his departure, the changes and emptiness he is trying to get used to, and all the things that meant to drive them away from each other. 

But also, he thinks of all the things that happened tonight, just in this last hour. The kiss, the bite on his lips, the way Max hesitantly demanded him to come up and stay, and the way he snuggles himself down in the hoodie that belonged to him. 

He can’t help but huff out a laugh to himself. It is just like Max has been leaving bread crumbs one by one the whole night to lead him to this exact moment. 

“What are we doing here, Max?” What is this all about?

He finally asks, still facing the TV, almost doesn’t realize he has said it out loud. He suddenly doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. He doesn’t want the not-talk-about-it anymore.

Max turns to him, doesn’t say anything.

“What am I doing here?” he puts down his beer and meets with Max’s eyes, “and what are you doing here?” 

Max holds the eye contacts, unconsciously worries his lip between his teeth before he finally speaks up, “……I don’t know?”

Daniel looks deep into his eyes, then slowly and hesitantly, reaches out a hand, thumb brushes over Max’s plump bottom lip, feeling the moisture from the beer under his fingertip. 

What is this all about?

Max drops his gaze and whispers, “I don’t know…..”

But then, something indescribable just breaks down. 

Max suddenly pushes his hand away, leans over and presses his lips on Daniel’s, again. But this time more tender and patient. Daniel is shocked at first but slowly closes his eyes, just let the younger one nibbles on his lips and lead the kiss. 

A part of him still holds on, pondering all the whats, hows, and whys, but when Max sighs contently against him, he decides he will just drop all the thoughts and follow the feelings in his chest.

Max brushes over the wound, and the last bit of the pain makes him part his lips slightly, letting Max slide his tongue into his mouth to deepen the kiss. He tilts his head, uses the angle to press further, tongue slides against Max’s, and slowly explores all the sweet corners that he didn’t get to know about last time.

He thinks, he surrenders. 

He realizes his weak attempt to stay away from the younger is a complete lie. He can just break down under a kiss or a touch from Max. So he surrenders. He will let Max take and take and take, as long as long Max is willing to take. 

The couch dips and Daniel finds a weight settles on his lap. He opens his eyes after Max pulled away, pants slightly under the warmth in his embrace. 

Max presses their forehead together, “I must be fucking drunk as hell, why I think I like kissing you……?”

“Then kiss me again, just to make sure……” Daniel whispers back, but his sentence gets cut short by another press on his lips. 

The second kiss is much more passionate. His hands hold Max’s hip firmly this time, no more hesitation, and push the younger down closer to him. When he slowly goes up under Max’s hoodie and touch his hot skin, Max can’t help but moan into his mouth, running his hands into Daniel’s curly hair. He can feel Max is melting under his fingertips. 

Then, someone’s phone rings. 

Max doesn’t even pick up the ringtone at the beginning and only breaks the kiss when Daniel groans annoyedly hearing the phone rings the second time. 

“I swear this person must hate me so much, the worst timing ever……” Daniel frustratedly fishes out his phone from his pocket, Horner’s name is on the screen. 

Daniel unconsciously turns to Max, but Max already jumped off his lap like he was suddenly hit by reality and ran to the bathroom. 

He accepts the call with a sigh.

“You said you were almost here an hour ago, Max already left, and don’t tell me you get lost in Monaco cuz that will be a lie.” Horner’s voice comes through as soon as he picks up.

“Right, I was just, I just ran into a friend”, Daniel feels a little bad to lie to his ex-boss. He was hoping to visit the old team and may-or-may-not try to check on Max since he knew how frustrated his ex-teammate could get with a 4th place, but who knew everything changed in the most unexpected way, “Sorry, but I am almost there, just gives me a few more minutes.”

He has to leave now.

He slides his phone back to the pocket, gets up to knock at the bathroom door, “Hey, um, I think I have to go now”, sounds obviously disappointed. 

Max opens the door, not very sure where to put his hands and feet but tries his best to stay cool, “Yeah, yeah, Christian is waiting right?” 

Daniel nods, he wants to say something but pauses himself and switches to another topic first, “And if he asked, I would just say I got bite by mosquitos”, fingers pointing at his lips.

Max nervously laughs at his non-sense joke and shakes his head. Who the fuck gonna believe in that?

“Seriously, a MAXimum size mosquito gave me this MAXimum size bruise. Monaco is dangerous, man.” Daniel continues his joke while walking towards the front door. 

Max rolls his eyes, he definitely didn’t miss all these silly jokes, “Get out already.” 

Daniel holds the door and turns back to look at Max for one last time.

“So, talk later?”

Max just nods, doesn’t know what to say. 

As soon as the door closes, Max lets out a deep breath that he doesn't even know he was holding. 

He wants to get back to the bathroom to fresh up his fuzzy mind, but decides he might need more alcohol in his system instead. He walks to the kitchen to grab another beer, then slowly slumps down to the floor. 

This is crazy. What did he just do? 

Max sighs. All the things that happened tonight just flash back in his mind, reminding him how stupid and crazy and unbelievable he has been. 

He doesn’t even know why he wanted to keep Daniel with him all the way, why he asked him to stay and why he, just, why he had to kiss him. The urge at that moment was so strong that he felt like he just lost control. 

……and the worse part is that, the kiss felt so good. 

Fucking hell, it shouldn’t feel good. 

I am so messed up. 

Max frustratedly presses the beer to his forehead hoping the coldness will help him calm down. He feels so hot allover, especially the one area that he absolutely doesn’t want to mention. 

He should not have this kind of feeling towards Daniel. Daniel was his teammate for god sake. 

He opens the can and downs half of the beer in one go, but it doesn’t help at all. And eventually, he gives up. He has been out of his mind the whole night, who cares this last bit of extra craziness? 

He puts up the hood to make sure he is completely drowned in Daniel’s old hoodie, and just lets his hand slip past his waistband…… 

It should not even feel this good, given the fact that he is sitting on his cold and hard kitchen floor, but it does feel so different and excited. Almost feels like a crime. 

He doesn’t know when did he close his eyes, but the lack of vision makes him feel like it is not his hand but Daniel’s hand wrapping around him, and the kiss they shared just goes from his lips to his neck……

The imagination is so sinful but hits him so hard. He can only throw his head against the fridge sharply and fasten his pace before he spills everything into his boxer, moans muffled in the sleeves, and the mind goes completely blank. 

He sits on the floor for a while to catch up with his breath. The long-forgotten beer got knocked over at some point, and one of his feet was soaked in beer without his notice. He feels so satisfied but also so dirty at the same time. 

Everything is just muddy and crazy. 

After cleaning up the kitchen and himself, Max lays back on the couch, finding it hard to sleep with all the things and feelings in his head. He sighs and takes out his phone, dials the number that he doesn’t want to but ends up being very familiar with anyways. 

It takes no time for the other person to pick up. 

“Mate, you haven’t slept yet?” 

Lando sounds very loud and awake, exactly what he needs right now.

“Can’t fall asleep. Up for a round of FIFA?” 

“Um… I am actually”, Lando sounds a bit hesitant, and before he can finish, another familiar voice just shouts at the background.

“Go away, Max! Lando said I am his favorite, so he stays with me!”

What is Carlos doing there with Lando this late?! 

“Shut, just shut the front door, you muppet!!”

Then Max hears a door closing on the other side, probably is Lando walking out to a quieter place. 

“Sorry, Carlos is just being an absolute idiot, don’t listen to him.” Lando somehow sounds a bit embarrassed, but Max doesn’t feel like teasing him right now and just let him continue, “I am actually playing FIFA with him in his room, but I mean you can join us?” 

Max shrugs, “Nah, it is okay. It’s late anyway.” 

Then that’s just silence. 

“Actually……”, Max pauses for a bit before continues, “…um, have you ever thought of, kissing Carlos…?” 

“Wha, WHAT?!” Lando seems so shocked by this unexpected question that he can’t even give out a response, “what?! I, I, he, we are……” he stutters, almost as he gets caught on something.

Max feels insane himself even just asked the question, so he immediately changes its direction, “Well, anyway, I guess that probably is too much for a 19-year-old kid. Do you even have any pubes yet?”

“Shut up, you are just barely legal to drink. Don’t sound like you are much older!” 

Max sighs, suddenly don’t know what to say. Lando is right, they are basically six of one and half a dozen of the other. Why did he even call Lando in the first place? He seriously has no clue about anything anymore now. 

They hang up soon after. 

Max goes back to his bedroom and buries himself under the sheets with a hope to fall asleep, but every time he closes his eyes, he can see Daniel’s face in his head. His almond-shaped eyes with the softest caramel color, his high nose, his thin upper lip, and his signature big smile. 

He pulls the sheet over his head, feels very exhausted and defeated. 

It is going to be another long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes me SO long to finish...  
> so thank you for waiting! (if there is anyone waiting lol)  
> I was hoping to finish the whole story before the race starts  
> but how naive I was, it just gets longer and longer..... LOL
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy it!! I would love to learn your thoughts~ :)


	4. Eyes, Nose, Lips - part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _  
> Because your eyes, nose, lips  
>  Every look and every breath, every kiss  
> Still got me dyin'  
> Still got me cryin'  
> The tears drive me out of my mind  
> _

Max knows they said talk later, but with the packed schedules they have respectively, there is just no way they gonna talk about anything in the near “later”. 

Daniel had flown to New York the night after, probably is sweating like hell in his neon green shirt on some random city bikes. 

Don’t ask him how he knows. 

And no one stalked on Instagram, OK? No one!

Max signs another cap with some extra force, the silver ink from the tip of the marker leaves a big stain at the end of his name. He looks at the signature for a while before snaps out of his thought, and throws the cap into the box to join the other ten thousand caps he has already signed for the Canadian GP.

The Aussie must have done something to him. 

Or, that alcohol that night must have done something to him. Or both. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that, the freaking mood swing is back.

Max sighs heavily and puts down the marker. Okay, fine, fine. It is not completely fair to call this, this - whatever emotion he is having - mood swing, because it is different this time. It is not as fierce, painful, or unbearable. Instead, it is more like…um…flying a kite? 

He is definitely not an expert at understanding his own feeling leave alone expressing it, but he just feels like, in the past few days after that night, his heart is in the air in a way, like a kite, sometimes up sometimes down, but somehow not necessarily fear of dropping to the ground. 

Because……because, he knows, Daniel is the one holding the other end of the tread. And Daniel will never really let him down, even with the conflicts and disagreements they had in the past. 

Just like, even though he could literally taste all the confusion, hesitation and reservation on Daniel’s lips, the hold on his waist was firm and tight. Even though he couldn’t explain his behaviors, Daniel still let him without any judgment. He still grounded him.

And that - Max slowly drops his head to the table - was the real hidden demon behind his sometimes over-the-top aggressiveness and ruthlessness towards Daniel back in the day. 

Max never even admitted it out loud to himself, but he knew it was there deep down: He relied on Daniel.

He didn’t know how it happened, but he realized it soon after joining the stressful Red Bull Racing. His almost blind trust in this more experienced, mature and relaxed teammate was overwhelmingly comforting, but at the same time, overwhelmingly terrifying. 

He was just so unexplainably drawn to the Aussie. He showed all his weaknesses to him and shared all his vulnerable moments with him. He bared his back to him, he bared his insecurity to him, without really asking himself why. 

And every time when he got scared about relying too much on his teammate, the only way he knew to force the balance back was to beat Daniel in the race. Tried his best to catch up with him, overtake him, dominate him, even to an unhealthy level, so that he can convince himself he was better and stronger, and that he didn’t need Daniel. 

And maybe, that was when and why things started to go wrong between them. He wanted to hold onto him, but he also wanted to push him away. He exhausted himself. 

He exhausted both of them.

But Daniel has been weird too. He was once so done with him, to a point where Max knew he had got completely shut out of his world. But now, he just seems so, so……, open and pliant? He is not forcing in or staying back, he is just, there.

He is not even doing anything special, but, he also almost like luring him in by doing nothing special. He just feels so different now. 

Max can’t help but lets out a strangled noise against the table. He can feel it, he is slowly losing control of himself to something he can’t quite put a finger on. 

He hates it, this feeling of losing control. 

…… but…

He also kind of, likes it? 

Jezus Christus.

And things just slowly start to change in the next GP. 

They have been busy with the media duties and race schedules, and yeah, they didn’t get to talk about anything, not even a formal Hi or Bye. 

But Max does notice that he and Daniel catch eyes more often. Sometimes, it is him looking at Daniel first, then Daniel turns around just as he senses it; sometimes, it is Daniel looking over to him first. No matter which way, they will just hold their gaze until one of them gives in to make a silly face and laugh away. 

A little game between them.

And the weekend just passes like that. In the end, Max gets P4 and Daniel gets P5. Of course, it is not the best result for Red Bull but it is a decent one, and for Renault, a P5 is more than great. So, a happy ending for both teams. 

When Max is finally done with his interviews and walking back to the garage, he immediately receives a big grin from the Renault driver who is walking towards the opposite direction with his teammate. 

Almost like a natural reaction, Max smiles back with a thumbs-up. But then, he catches eyes with Nico. The German, who is in the same suit with Daniel, just smirks and exaggeratedly wraps an arm around the Aussie’s shoulder while looking at Max for the whole time.

What the……?! Max frowns.

And Daniel? Is he just so used to Nico’s touches that he doesn’t even flinch?!

A sense of annoyance shoots up from Max’s stomach again. He immediately withdraws his smile and turns the thumbs-up to a thumbs-down. 

But, how can that silly Aussie get even happier!?

Daniel, who has no idea what is going on with Max and Nico, simply gives out a wider smile and mouths “Screw youuuu!!” to Max, just like how he would react when Max was messing around with him back in the day. 

Max sighs to himself and turns around after the Renaults walked past him. Nico has already put his arm back down and is now making a V sign behind his back, obviously is for Max to see. And Daniel, he just continues talking to Nico with all the exciting hand gestures.

Max can tell he is extremely happy even from the back. And yeah, he knows how much Daniel deserves this result - man, he has struggled for a while in the midfield with the new car. 

Max stands there and just watches Daniel walking away, a smile gradually finds its way back on his lips. He knows he is happy for him, genuinely happy, which is quite a refreshing feeling that he didn’t always have for his teammate back then. 

Guess Daniel is not the only one different now, Max slightly shakes his head with a snort. Maybe they both have changed and grown a tiny bit in their own way. 

……but, will there be a happy ending somewhere for them as well? 

The question comes up in his mind out of nowhere, catching himself off guard.

Jess, is there still an ending for them to begin with?

He turns to walk back to his garage annoyedly, trying to shake off the useless thoughts in his head.

And, and, what’s wrong with Nico?! Is he playing a jealousy game or something?! 

Why will he be jealous? 

He is not jealous!

……right?

Then, it’s the Austrian GP. 

It’s been a while now, but Daniel can’t deny the fact that he is still struggling a bit with all the changes.

For example, it is his third time calling Austrian GP his home race since he landed here. And please don’t even try to mention the weirdness he felt every time people asked him about his home race in France last week, no offense.

It is just…… ok, he will say he has two home races, or three, the Australian one as well. Ok, Daniel Ricciardo has three home races per year, Australian, French, and Austrian, there you go, settled.

Austrian has been his team home GP for so long that he can’t just delete it out from his system. Just like Toro Rosso and Red Bull, he grew up in those systems and environments, they are part of him. 

And, it is just…… how can he delete Austria from his system when it holds some many memories? The days and nights he spent on the track, his podium, all the highs and lows, and schnitzels. Yeah, that is a big part. 

But more importantly, all the memories he got to share with Max here, in their home race. 

The days and nights he spent on the track with Max, their podiums, all the ups and downs, and their double schnitzels. And the room they shared, the hot tub they shared, the morning walks and night talks they shared. 

But before he gets completely carried away, he quickly snaps out of this chain of thoughts and poses for more pictures for his last interview of the day. A lot has changed, but at least, he still gets schnitzels. And Michael.

His trainer, aka his day one homie, is now sitting across the table with a very disapproval look when the food is being served. Well, he may or may not just went ahead with his usual order, but forgot that the person who used to share the double schnitzel with him is no longer here eating with them. 

“I got one for you, of course.” Daniel immediately pulls out a big grin and makes sure all his teeth can be seen, “Sharing is caring, you know.” 

Being one of the few that sees and knows a lot of things of the two drivers and between the two drivers, Michael just rolls his eyes, pushing his plate towards Daniel without pointing out the obvious, “No more schnitzels tomorrow, OK?” 

“Oooof, aggressive move. I need to think about it.” Daniel replies absentmindedly while taking a picture of the dish with his phone, then put it back into his pocket before he divides the food. 

It’s a nice and peaceful dinner except that Daniel has been secretly debating if he should send the picture to a certain driver in his mind.

He has been itchy to send something to Max since he arrived here. He knows how important the home race is to the team and their fans. He knows the expectation and the pressure on the younger driver.

Of course, he is more than sure Max will do a great job, but just, you know.

He finally pulls out his phone again when Michael excuses himself to the bathroom and opens the chat he had with Max. It still ends at the text Max sent him last time in Baku. He stares at the almost empty chat, suddenly not sure what he wants to say, or just, what he wants out of this. 

He will be lying if he said Max’s unexpected moves in Monaco didn’t make him wonder, as well as the little interactions they have been having here and there. Of course, they all make him wonder, everything about Max more or less makes him wonder. 

But, he also learned his lessons. 

He still remembered how his expectation changed once he was clear about his feelings towards the young Dutch. He still had all sorts of bubbly excitements and happiness when he was around Max, he still gave as much as he could, but he also couldn’t help but have expectations.

Maybe love really made you greedy. 

He couldn’t help but wanted to find the hints of Max returning his feelings, even just a tiny bit of hint. He would grasp onto it and overthink about it, to a point where he would once a while convinced himself he was indeed kind of special to Max. 

But every time he got his hopes up, he would find more evidence of Max didn’t like him and felt bothered by him. He is a very affectionate person. And all these up-and-downs he put himself through really exhausted him. 

He just doesn’t want that disappointment to happen again. So he hesitates for a few seconds, then selects the food picture and just simply presses send. No words, no hints, no direction. And no expectation, of course.

He will let Max take the lead this round, he puts the remote control in Max’s hand.

After dinner, Daniel and Michael walk back to the hotel. Throughout the whole walk, Daniel almost successfully forgets his phone, at least he doesn't pull it out once. 

It is not really that he is not itching to at least have a look and check if anyone - he is a popular guy with a lot of friends just in case you forget - texted him, and also not that he is 100% completely not caring if Max would text him back, but he is just getting better at controlling his emotions now. 

Only when he has to charge the phone before his shower late in the night, does Daniel finally gives in in this internal war and check all the notifications. 

And, yeah, nothing from Max.

He steps in the shower and let the hot steam takes over his mind. He is not very sure how he feels about the empty chat. Or, he just tries to not feel anything about it at all. 

He continues to run his routine before getting in bed. But this time, when he picks up his phone to set alarms for tomorrow, a red dot is sitting on his message app quietly. 

It is from Max, just a few minutes ago. 

Daniel taps open the chat before his brain actually registers, and there is a picture of a plate of double schnitzels. The angle was a bit odd, and it could’ve just counted as one of the worst food pics you could ever take, but it doesn’t change the fact that Max got the exact same food he got himself earlier. 

_\- Just got food, and Jake was not happy about this._

Daniel immediately smiles at the text, but then frowns at how late the Dutch got food. His schedule is literally getting more and more packed each year.

_\- I am sure Michael legit hated me for at least half of the dinner for that._

He replies, doesn’t even realize how delighted he suddenly feels. 

_\- But if you still won the race, then no complaints, right?_

He added the second text and just watches how the typing bobble is up from the other end for a while before it disappears. Then the bobble is up again, but still, nothing sent over, just like Max is struggling with what he wants to say. 

_\- If I won, will want a prize bigger than this._

It takes a while for the message to send over, but Daniel just shrugs to himself instead of thinking about why this simple message takes this long to send. 

_\- Just make Horner do a shoey, his face will make everything worthy._

_\- Nah, not into that kind of kink, will let you know when I really get my hands on the champagne._

Daniel smiles a bit at the sassy response then puts the phone away, but finds himself much awake than his liking. 

Why will he need to let me know? 

He shifts around in the bed trying to find a better position and hopes this vague, loose-ended promise will not take up too much of his brain space as soon as the race weekend kick-started.

And it turns out Max does let him know soon after the race.

It was not a good weekend for Renault as a whole, his overall performances are just poor and do leave a bitter taste in his mouth when crossing the finish line. But, man, look who is at the top of the podium!

Despite the horrible start, Max managed to recover and snatched the win at the end from Ferrari. What a genius move. Or he should say, MOVES! Daniel is so proud of his old team, and even prouder of the young Dutch. 

As soon as Max gets back to the paddock, soaked in champaign with the half-empty bottle and the trophy in hand, Daniel immediately walks over to the winner and pulls him into a big hug. 

“Freaking hell of a drive. You were a beast out there.” He firmly pats on Max’s back hoping the small gesture help to show how proud he is. 

Max is still breathing a bit fast due to exhaustion and excitement, he just let himself completely pressed to Daniel’s chest and rest his head on the Aussie’s shoulder. Daniel can literally feel the younger’s hot breath and heated excitement vibrate through his Nomex top. 

“I know. And I kicked your ass.” 

Daniel knows Max’s smiling on his shoulder through the thin fabric, “Still a little brat, I see.” He pulls away and continues jokingly, “but bad news, you are not the first one to do that this weekend, so no trophy for you.” 

Max just laughs, obviously still super hyped and excited due to the adrenaline from the race, “Oh, no worries, I got myself a nice one, got that covered”, face flushed from both the hot weather and the alcohol. 

Daniel will say, it would be a perfect moment to just lean forward and kiss those lips, to taste the victory but also to wipe away that bratty smile. But of course, he can’t do that. 

Jesus, not only he can’t, he shouldn’t, he is not allowed. 

He clears his throat, “Already, GG to you,” the turns to point at the direction of the Renault garage, “but I guess they will be looking for me like crazy now, I should……”

“Don’t you wanna know my winning prize?” 

Max just cuts him off like that, looking straight into his eyes.

Daniel is a little bit taken aback. He can’t help but sense the meaning beyond the words, but he can’t tell if Max is messing around with him for fun, or messing around with him for real.

And the next second, he is dragged into Max’s room. 

Before he comes back to his sense, he is already pushed onto the closed door with a hot body pressed against his. 

It is definitely not the most gentle way to be shoved into a room, and the door knot literally punches into Daniel’s lower back like an iron fist. But he is not paying much attention to it right now with Max’s face being just inches away from his. 

“I think, I’ve taught you this in RB, you can’t just _Keep Pushing_ in everything……”

Daniel actually tries to say it with more humor so that he will not be sucked into this uncertain but attempting anticipation too quickly, but Max doesn’t even give him time to think. He just crushes their lips together to cut him off, hard and hot, with zero patience.

The room suddenly feels so humid, air sticky. Max angles his head to lick into his mouth, and who is Daniel to resist? He parts his lips and let the younger one calm his domination. When Max makes a quiet noise of satisfaction, he returns a bite at Max’s bottom lip, tugging the flesh between his teeth until the younger pulls back for air. 

“Shouldn’t we talk first…..?” he says against Max’s mouth, lips barely brushing the other’s.

Max just let his breath lingers with Daniel’s and leaves a quick peck on his lips, “……let me claim my prize first?” 

He knows Max is mostly high from the race and his victory, but the heated passion still manages to steer up his wants and affections deep down. How much he wishes he can just hold this person tight and claim him his……

He grips Max’s hips and switches their position with his waist strength, pinning the GP winner to the door. He can literally feel his endearment towards the person coursing through his vein. He opens his mouth, wants so much to say something, anything, to him, but then instead, leans back in and takes those redden plump lips.

……even just once. 

“Why?” 

When they finally come down from the high and catch their breath, Daniel finally asks, quietly, almost like a whisper. Why we are doing this?

“……Why what?”

They both know exactly what he is talking about, but the person in front of him just turns away slightly to avoid the gaze, obviously trying to avoid the question at the same time as well.

Daniel looks at the younger one, whose hair is now dim and unruly and skin flushes down to his neck, feels shudders running down his body. He reaches up to brush the few dim strands off Max’s forehead with a silent sigh before speaking up again.

“You know what, I can tell you my why.”

His affection towards this person is threatening to burst out at this moment, and he decides, it is useless to tell himself back off over and over again.

He is ready now he thinks, for the brace. He can just lay things out, without necessarily expecting a return or forcing out an answer. 

“Because I like these”, his knuckles brush over the end of Max’s eye gently, then moves down along his nose, “……this”, to ghost over his slightly swollen lips, “and these.” 

Max slowly looks back into Daniel’s eyes, caught off guard by this unexpected frankness and straightforwardness. 

“And of course, most importantly, I like…”, he points at Max’s left chest tenderly, “……this.”

He holds Max’s gaze, slowly spelling his heart out one by one. 

It is definitely not the way or the place he had ever imagined to talk about his feeling - hell, he never even think he would say it out loud at all after Monaco last year - but, here they are, in burning hot Austria, his competitor’s hospitality, the tiny driver’s room, with sweat-soaked suit messy hair and disappointing race result, he bares his vulnerability, he bares his heart, to Max.

And he just feels indescribably lighter word by word. The weight of all the uncertainty, all the fears, wonders, and overthinking he used to have, all the struggles and controls he has been putting onto himself start to slip away with his confession.

Well, true, he technically is not saying anything out loud, but let’s admit that they both know what he means.

Max looks deep into his eyes, trying to find the tiniest hint of Daniel joking with him, but only captured by the older’s unspoken sincerity. And the realization makes him almost forget to breathe. 

He opens his mouth trying to say something, but his brain just went blank, he tries again, but still, nothing comes out. 

Daniel shakes his head with a smile to himself, just like he already knew how Max will react, “We just said no pushing, remember?” then puts a finger up to stop Max from speaking, “You don’t need to say anything or to think about it right now, I am not here to push.” 

Yeah, now, he puts the complete control in Max’s hand.

Max is not sure how Daniel left his room. Everything just went blur after their conversation. All the details all the words, just faded away. 

But the touches still linger, the trace from Daniel’s fingertips still feel vivid. He doesn’t know how to react or how to think about what Daniel just told him, but he feels the unexplainable warmth flowing in his heart, and gradually, his face feels warm too. 

This is unfair. This is so unfair!

Max throws himself to the sofa frustratedly and covers his face with his hands. 

Every time, every single fucking time, Daniel threw him off at the most unexpected moment. He got to say whatever he wanted to say, and then he just left. Leaving him alone to deal with all the unknown. 

He sighs, slides down to bury himself in the arm cushions. 

Just like last summer break - Max’s breath hitches - Daniel declared his departure and just left him to face all the whats, whys and hows alone. He didn’t know what to do back then, and he still doesn’t know what to do this time. 

But at least he knows one thing now, he can’t lose Daniel again.

He can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The past few weeks had been busy, and the chapter itself took unexpected turns too  
> It took a long while for me to debate if I should shift it back to the original plot...still debating...lol  
> And it also keeps getting long.......haha  
> But thank you sm for waiting and reading!! thoughts are more than welcome :)


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